Why is the world so fucked and why am I too?

July 13, 2020 - 10:39:04 UTC

Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Suicide, Cursing, Gore, LGBT, Transphobia, Psychopathy

Description: Current situation, LGBT and Trans issues, My gender identity, Empathy and personal flaws

I wrote this post over a span of days.

And this post contains some very personal and conflicting things that I simply beg you to not judge quickly or too harsh. 

I'm sorry if this post is very incoherent. I tried fixing it as  much as I can. It turned out to be one of the longest, if not the longest posts I've done.
Please keep my mental state and who I am in mind when reading.
Thank you.

 

It has been over a month since my last post.
A lot has happend, a lot of things stayed the same, I'll give a summary of things.

I think around on the... 5th?(I can be totally be mixing up dates here) I reached my limit again and out of desperation, tried to actually stab myself and slice my arms open with a nail file.

Are you aware how not made nail files are to slice? But I can barely remember what went into my head. I was in such a weird state of having attacks of PTSD and just feeling so hopeless and endless.

 

Anyways. That went on just for a short while till my SO got them away from me, I kinda passed out. Came back to myself in the hospital. The oh so familiar look of those weirdly stagnant rooms. My arms got fixed up, I can't remember if I needed a blood transfusion or anything. The whole week/time there I felt just even more apathetic and lifeless then usual.
I stayed in the hospital for.... a little bit more  than a week. Maybe a week and a half.

Normally we/I should've stayed longer, but we fought that I can leave. Or  well. Rather my SO did.

Funny thing with this corona thing by the way. Visitors were  not allowed. At all. And normally at  the hospitals here, you can book extra, self paid things, to have someone stay with you even at night.(They get a bed provided etc).
But due corona, they  also didn't want to let us do that. My SO convinced them after.... maybe 6 days or so that she could stay. She was kind of allowed to visit me before due "our circumstances" or whatever.

Imagine trying to kill yourself. And when you failed yet again and wake up in a stupid hospital, you're being told the people that care about you and love you can not visit you.
I mean. I can understand it. I just don't care. The few days where I was basically pretty much alone, only had stupid psychologists trying to talk to me and other doctors... These days were just the  worst.

Anyways. After about 10 days  or so, I finally was able to go home, even if it was strongly advised I stayed/they wanted more psychological care for me, bla bla bla.

During this time I said nothing. I never talked to a doctor, nurse or anyone else.
Not to my SO, not to our roommate. No one.

Since then I've been home. The first few days were pretty mixed. We still had to take care of my wounds/the aftermath. And other stuff I don't want to get into. (Meanwhile our  roommate actually moved  in with us  by the way. Before they had  their own apartment that was paid by us, but we decided it's not necessary anymore.)

Till today, I still have not talked to my SO or my roommate.
This has lead to some pretty "extreme" moments.

My SO is one of the strongest, most passionate and caring people I know.(To be honest, to strangers she's a huge dick.) But I had to watch that person break down, crawl into my arms, cuddle me like she's a little child. Simply cause she was devastated by everything. Especially that I still haven't managed to talk to her.
I just.... Can't....... I tried really fucking hard. I don't get what is going on inside my head. Talking  to strangers via text is mostly okay. Talking to my best friend via  discord is still kinda-ish okay.
But if I try to talk to her or our roommate.... EVEN via text....... I... Just can't. I don't know. 
I get this feeling of my throat getting super painfully squished together. I feel like I cry and burst out as soon as I  say anything. Even in text.
Maybe  it's the association of being actually around them that creates this barrier. Else I couldn't understand why I can't even talk to them via text.

So, anyways. I had to comfort her trough her crying. I talked a lot about this feeling already... But the feeling of watching your most loved person in so much pain that is caused by YOURSELF... is... just something unbearable...

Besides that, nothing much happend. My discord now has 2 servers. My friendliest has 2 people on it, where  one  is my SO, the other one my best friend.
I still completely isolated me from everyone  else in the past. I gave up on trying to talk/reach out to others. It just didn't work out.
I'd lie if that didn't fill me with a lot of pain and regret. But that is how things go sometimes.

I'm now currently spending most of my time sitting in our bedroom(as long as my SO let's me, she really dislikes me doing that) and starring at the walls. Scratching my arms bloody. 
I also spent some time the last 2 days arguing a lot on twitter. Just so I had something to do.




So yeah. That's kind of where we are now I guess. Sorry if that's very incoherent of something. I probably left out things too, my mind is just all over the place....


But yeah, I still feel insanely lonely... betrayed... left alone...

Just so many thoughts and incoherent things I want to talk about inside my head....

I don't know where things are leading. When I came home. My only thoughts were "I want to do it again. I will just try it again."
But I feel so weak and empty... Walking around made me dizzy, sitting up for too long made me dizzy too.  I felt so insanely weak.
Till now, there were some occasions were I "tried" again but they were pretty much prevented by my SO/our roommate.






What exactly is even my outlook on life? If I can't even manage kill myself, what is going to happen to me?
Lately the voice  of him have been stuck in my head. Telling me hes coming. Telling me to get undressed and ready. Saying how pretty I look. I can't turn it off.
I've been hearing/seeing more things. Shadowy things always creeping at the  edge of my eyes. Every time I turn my head they disappear. I hear footsteps from a wood floor we don't even have here. I hear "whispers" that are hard to make out what they're  exactly saying. Sometimes I understand them. Sometimes they just sound like gibberish or something. It's hard to tell at times what things are real or not.

Also I've noticed that either due my lack of sleep (even tho that's very normal for me) or the  lack of food/water I've been consuming.. or whatever else it could be..... My vision is getting very bad sometimes. I randomly completely lose focus. Everything gets blurry. No matter what I do, rub my eyes or anything, they just stay blurry for a bit. Makes reading things very hard at times.

Also had more, pretty intense headaches. I'm very used to headaches due medication and other factors but lately, they have been so frequent and bad... And I can't really take much pain medication. Does not go well with my body and the rest of meds I take.

Had  also limbs go numb very fast. Pretty annoying/weird. I think my blood pressure might be just too low? I don't know.

 



Alright. Let's get into some more obvious topics.
The first thing I "want" to talk about will not go right with some people. So skip reading if LGBT things don't interest you, till the next separation line.


I have never had a huge connection to LGBT communities besides me and my SO being hopeless lesbians. But we had some queer friends at times. Especially trans. (Altho our roommate was the first NB person I met, and before, I was pretty.... uninformed about NB people)
But even tho me not being involved much in any LGBT stuff before, over the last few years, and especially the last months, I got insanely into it. I think it is mainly just a distraction. So I have something to do.
But I was read A LOT about LGBT things. Followed LGBT news. Even joined  LGBT discords and so on. I got pretty involved I guess. I think I nearly daily talked about LGBT stuff with people.

And just... recent developments make it so sad....
You have J.K Rowling going full mask off on trans people. With very sinister wordings about standard talking points of TERFs (Trans Excursionist Radical Feminists). Her essay sounds so compelling if you know nothing about the topic. And her using her own abuse as a appeal to someones compassion and abusing it to reason her stance.
There are a lot better people out there that can explain what's wrong with her and terfs, than I ever could explain. I'll link 2 videos about it:







If you have ANY interest in understanding the current fight/struggle of Trans people and is wrong with J.K Rowling's talking points, please just watch the first video. The 2nd one is more about Terf's in general. 

There is also a lot of other media out there going in depth about this whole topic. About J.K Rowling, Terfs(Self proclaimed Gender criticals. Hey remember when Racists tried to re brand themselves as "race realists"?... Yeah. Them calling themselves "gender critical" is the same thing. They're transphobic people hiding behind the innocent push for "womens rights".)

There has been so much trans hate  lately... and what annoys me the most is just...
How they abuse other people's experience where they have no right to do so, just to attack trans people.
For example. A lot of  talk from terfs is centered around Rape shelters, traumatized women, women spaces.
They abuse people like me, who went trough rape and other shit, to justify "reasonable concerns for poor women".
Meanwhile, I, someone who can't handle being near Cis Men or masculinity... Someone who went trough years of rape, abuse and other things.... I have 0 issues with trans women in our spaces. Heck. I had trans women in rape therapy clinics  and other things. And no one here had any fucking issue with it.
But they like to push the narrative that the evil TW(Trans Women) will use every  chance they get to harass/rape us. Or that they "trigger us". No. They don't. Could you shut up? Taking my experience, not listening to me at all, talking over me and taking people like me as cannon fodder to antagonize a vulnerable group of people?

It's so annoying. Yes sure. There are people that might went trough trauma and think otherwise. But using us as such a generalization, not listening to any other narrative than their own "We have to protect girls and women" agenda.... Is  so frustrating. Stop weaponizing people like me. Just  stop. Get better arguments.


But it doesn't stop there. They also use Lesbians as scapegoats. Implying "We lesbians get forced to now like dick."
NO WE FUCKING DON'T GET  FORCED ANYTHING.
Listen. Yes. Some trans people say very shitty things. Jessica Yaniv anyone? But holy hell. EVERY GROUP has bad apples. Every group has a  minority of people that will act shitty, have shitty takes. This literally happens in every demographic. If you focus on these  very very small minorities to dismiss a whole group... You're doing no one a favor.
You don't like dick? Totally fine! Nearly every trans person I saw agrees that this is totally fine.
But if you make a blank statement that "I would never date a trans person, even if they had my preferred genitals", then it gets transphobic.
You're  obviously allowed to find individual trans people unattractive. If they're not your type, they're not your type.
But if you meet someone who's your  10/10. And them being trans would be the stopper for you...
You're focusing on them  being trans. On nothing  else. Imagine saying the same thing about a black person. Meeting a 10/10, perfect for you person but you reject them cause they're black. Just cause they're black. Cause you'd never give a black person a chance.
That people can not realize how insanely stupid and discriminatory that is...
Again:
Genital preference?  100% Fine. Go off with it.
Not dating someone just cause they're trans? Please eat a hot burning waffle iron you idiot.

I just hate this shit.  Cause most people that even argue about "us lesbians being forced to do X now"  ARE NOT EVEN FUCKING LESBIANS.
I recently had the nice interaction with someone on Imgur. They talked about "cotton ceiling"(Don't bother, it's just some made up internet bullshit about trans people forcing lesbians to like girl dick). I responded to them by saying that I  as a lesbian, have never forced to do anything and that from observation from most LGBT and lesbian spaces, so haven't others.
They obviously didn't agree with me.
I asked them if they're even lesbian themselves.

It's now your time to bet on if they were or not.
..
...

....
.....
.......
........
..........

No. Of course not.
I really love it when people concern troll and use people they have no reason to talk for, as arguments for their hate.
Thank you for pretending to care about lesbians and talk for me I guess?
Could you now kindly fuck off and stop that?



It just makes me so... ugh. We lesbians get enough shit to deal with. We don't need other people talking for us, using us as  attacks and arguments against others if most of us don't even agree with your shitty take.




Alright. Enough about that.
I could go on and on how corona has been used as a distraction to rollback trans rights in several places(Hungary for example, Idaho.) or how Poland turn completely anti LGBT with so called "Anti LGBT zones".

But whatever.





I want to  talk about some personal things.(As if I'm not doing that already.....)
First of, something I kept mostly absolutely to myself.
You know, how I talked about in some other posts and on twitter, that I can't see myself anymore. I just see a blob when I look at myself. A weird shade, rough outline of a human. If I close  my eyes and try  to imagine myself, I just see... That.
I can't see myself anymore. I just feel like a weird... undefinable thing.

But that has lead me to other thoughts. Ever  since I met our NB roommate and talked more with them (Back when I could still do so) I have been wondering.....
Is... being a woman right for me? Is the  label "Woman" something I need and want for myself?
I have been simply thinking  a lot. I obviously don't want to be a guy. But would being  non binary be better fitting for me?
What does even make me a woman in my eyes? And what is different when I would be enby?(Just another term for non binary)
I honestly have no idea. Thinking about it a lot does not help much. And since I can't  talk to our roommate.... And I know no one else who I could talk to about it.... I'm kinda lost on it.
But it's just something that has  kept me thinking, wondering.

Oh well. I probably won't resolve it before I die. So does it matter at the end? I don't know.

Next one.
I just wanted to kind of reflect on what kind of shitty person I am.

You know. For example, I'm extremely focused on appearance when it comes  to women. (This is only/mostly in real  life, not online).
What do I mean with that? Well. It's very simple, but extremely dumb, bad and hateful.

I don't get along with people I find ugly. If it hink your unattractive, I can't help but to be pretty negative towards you.
And yes. I know. This is shitty, terrible, wrong, yada yada.
Trust me. I know. I'm a person that's pretty aware of her own flaws and such. I had years of therapy to be very very self aware in most cases.
I think it's some way of... coping or narcissism. I used to take a lot of pride and confidence in my looks(My looks have not really changed, I just feel different about them now since I feel just like nothing..).
I used to and even NOW try to do sports constantly. I don't know. It feels like a very forced behavior. I explained  it a bit in another post. But just to explain it... I fear that my SO would leave me if I loose my"good looks" and all that. That wasn't the motivator for me to start sports and other stuff. But was just always a back burner.

But I think this attitude of  taking pride in my own appearance, always made me very focused on others too.
Funny thing is, it's only for women. For men it doesn't matter.

And I have done that since school. I think after the things came out that happend to me.
I got a very weird treatment by my classmates, basically getting protected like I'm an egg that could be broken by just breathing at it.
Before I wasn't very popular. Simply cause I was absolutely quiet and very negative/apathetic.
But after, for whatever reason, my school decided  to inform my whole class to "treat me very  carefully" when I came back to school... I got really popular and protected.(My SO had a huge role too but honestly the story how we met and how all that went down is so insanely awkward and dumb, explaining it always feels like I'm completely stupid.)
But she  also was a huge factor in it. Ever had a slim, 1.60cm~ ish girl go full berserker on you?
She took no shit from anyone (She wasn't a "bitch" that abused her being a girl or anything. She just stood up for herself and me very... extremely and directly.) It has gotten better over  the years. But if you made any negative comments towards us being lesbians  and that being negative or anything  else attacking  especially me....  You were in for a storm by someone who had no fear to punch someone heavier and taller than her.
(To be  clear, we both did martial arts back in our school time( she got me to do it) and she has been doing that since she was pretty young, I think she started at... 6? 7?)

But I think all that lead me to be free to develop very bad coping mechanisms and habits. Like the one with judging other girls by looks and not getting along with them if I deem them unattractive.

I'm also extremely inpatient. If I want something, or get something done. I want it NOW. I can't handle waiting for better  moments or anything. The waiting time feels like torture cause my mind goes racing about the thing I want/want to do. I just want it be over as quickly as it can be.


Also, due my issues  with empathy (Again, mentioned in other posts  already) I'm very dismissive at times to people and things. 
In one blog post I championed the "Please get help if you think about  suicide" thing.
But in  reality, I don't know what I really think. I don't know what my character really  is.
Cause deep down.
(Take the next words with care please. They're not a full representation of me and.. whatever. I hope you can understand.)
I don't care about you. I give not a single shit about you. I don't care  about whatever you went trough, whatever you feel. Whatever your issues are. Go kill yourself. No one cares.
I feel nothing about others. A live doesn't mean anything. I only say it does cause others have  told me that it does. And that society things certain things are important.
I don't really care about LGBT things. I just "observed"  what society thinks and what in terms of comparability, was seen as right.
What do I mean by that? Well. I only think trans people should get protected cause I saw that society thought black people get mistreated and did something about it.
That was my conclusion. I saw that you can compare these groups, in history society has turned out to say that we have to treat them better. And that was it. That's why I support them.




Alright. Weird text. Heavy maybe?
And I think it will get insanely misunderstood.
Listen. People sometimes have conditions that prevent them from empathy. Understanding social constructs. Understanding what's wrong or right. We sometimes call that Psychopathic/Sociopathic. Fun fact. Neither of them, are as far as I know, real  classified diagnoses. I'm speaking of a diagnose of "Psychopath" or anything.
As  much as movies and such love that stereotype and all, professionals were always skeptical of it and categorizations of it. Don't get  me wrong. There were times and places were both of them were listed as disorders and such. But no one diagnoses someone as a "psychopath". Psychopathy  was something that came up. And is pretty complicated and argued about.

Anyways.
In my past, my different psychologists always noted of seemingly at times it seems that I completely lack empathy for others. Sometimes that's simply a side effect of extreme trauma.
But they were never sure what it is with me. I had "diagnoses" for psychopathy. I simply lack this feeling in myself to identify what is wrong or right.(That's a very simple way of putting it).
Weird thing about it,  as far as I know, "Psychopathy" is mostly heritable. Meaning genetic. I don't know if my mom maybe gifted me that too? I mean she was  so nice to bless me with schizophrenia. Who knows. I have no idea if she ever got a diagnose for that too.
Anyways. I HAVE to somehow explain to myself how society works. To function and blend in.
These things always seemed very weird to other people. "You don't really care about X" and so on....
What.. do you want me to do? I can't change it. It's how I am. 
I won't suddenly turn around and not support LGBT/Trans people. That's not what my "real thoughts earlier" were about. I care about them my own way, for my own reasons.
I'm simply a bit..... different? It's honestly pretty  hard to explain and I  fear people will only see the things I said earlier  and think I'm a disgusting human and that I'm insanely hateful/whatever.
I'm not... If you seriously  think so after me multiple times, in multiple blogs posts, twitter posts and other stuff, think that I'm a bad human for these ways of thinking then well. I can't make it right to you ever. I'm sorry.

I just honestly wanted to talk about it cause dealing with that is always pretty complicated. Judging things is pretty hard for me. I have to evaluate them constantly against other things in  society. What's acceptable, etc.
And I just wanted to explain and reason that.

Eh. Whatever. I think for now. That this should be enough for now.

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