June 02, 2020 - 14:00:21 UTC
Trigger Warnings: Don't know
I said last post that it will probably be my last one. I guess I was wrong about that.
Nothing has changed. I'm fighting with wanting to kill myself. My SO and our roommate try to just watch me constantly. I fail to see the reason. But that's just how it is. At the end, I'll just loose my mind, we'll fight and see what happens.
Anyways. I wanted to write some thoughts down in some...sorted way.
So I thought why not do it here.
I don't know if you saw my recent twitter posts but....
I haven't talked to either of them for days now. They constantly talk to me. I just don't respond.
I just don't....feel it anymore. I always hated talking IRL. But now I just feel...too exhausted... done.. painful to even respond to them.
As I said, I tried reaching out to people. And 2 responded. I actually also did end up talking a bit more with them. But then it did just kinda.. die down.
And I understand that.
I simply don't feel like bothering them.
And I really hope I didn't end up bothering Pas. They haven't responded to me back after a pretty... stupid message of mine.
I hope at the end they just were busy and then forgot I messaged them. It has been 2 days since then now. I would really hate if what I asked of them or said would've made them uncomfortable or anything. Oh well.
I guess that just failed.
I just kinda wanted to... try something?
Try to make new friends. But eh. It never works out for me I guess. I just doubt myself too much I guess.
I'm not going to bother either of them again I think. I feel way to much like I annoy them.
I really wanted to talk to people lately. I don't sleep much ever. It's insomnia coming from my stuff. Night terrors and so on.
I usually take things so I can sleep. But I just lately don't feel like it at all.
I also haven't really eaten anything. I hate eating. Ironic cause we have our roommate as a cook who is extremely good with that stuff...
But I don't trust food. I had stuff mixed into my food back then. I just can't shake it off.
My last few days just kind of consisted of..crying...wanting people to talk with me... And some self harm. Biting yourself actually works pretty well if you can't get a knife or anything else sharp in your hands.
I'm just loosing my mind. Rapidly decreasing in my ability to think straight I feel like. Like... nearly 50% of what I write has to be auto corrected. If I even click the button on the words.
I tried distracting myself by being a bit active on twitter but... Sigh. No. That's just... not really working.
It just feels so insanely pointless.
I'm also kinda...
I talked with my best friend about this feeling.
I... always tried to help people even tho I feel hatred for a lot of them.
When someone was in pain or needed help. I tried to be there.
I noticed no one really wants to do that for me.
It's weird. I can talk about suicidal thoughts in a group of people that know my struggle, and 5 minutes later they talk about food.
I know people don't care. I'm not that important.
But if you know someone is having this issues. And currently is facing an insanely hard time... how can you be so cruel?
I feel like thats the same that's making our world so terrible.
What has made the issues of racism so big in the US.
People acting only in their own interest.
I have mine, I don't care about yours. People don't want to care or do anything if they see other people struggle really.
They maybe throw them a bone with some short felt condolences or meaningless words. But that's it.
I honestly just feel like a person starving on the sidewalk, while people walk past me with bags of food they could easily share.
But they're selfish. They don't care.
People don't want to take the time and think about other people. But expect friends or others to care when they need help.
People are insanely selfish. At least most of them are.
I hate you for your ignorance and that you believe that doing nothing is better than trying something. You are what makes this world so fucking shitty cause you only care about yourself.
You don't know what to say? Don't say things like "it gets better" or words of encouragement to me. And you're probably fine.
But you not knowing that shows that you don't care. You haven't wasted a moment really thinking about it. Go on and worry about what you'll eat tonight. Or what game you'll play now cause you're bored.
Sigh. It just feels so insanely... wrong. And left alone.
From the people that I share a group with, I helped multiple of them with some things. When they had issues with themselves.
Hey you. Remember when you didn't know what to do? And didn't know how to go on?
When you asked me about medication?
Had struggles with your GF that cheated on you?
This isn't directed at one person.
And there's way more times I was there. If at all, at least talking to you.
I even talked to people I disliked. Just to not let them be alone.
But now they're nowhere to be found.
This is why I wanted to find new people. People that maybe aren't like that. But I guess... I just can't.
I decided to leave nearly all servers I was in on discord. It felt too pointless.
Wish I could've found some people to talk to, but I seem to just be unlucky..mess up..do it wrong.
But it doesn't matter really. I really hope it doesn't matter anymore soon.
I wanted to talk about some music I like or that means something to me.
You can listen to it or not. Who cares. I put it at the end of the post cause I didn't want people to think... Oh it's one of those posts....
And just skip reading everything.
I always loved piano music. A lot of songs carry a certain... Sadness. Heaviness.
I'm glad that long time ago I found myuu as an artist. A lot of his songs felt very.. nice to me. It just always fits my mood.
This song. Ugh. I personally don't like listening to it but..... There are times I do. I kind of hate this song. But at the same time I don't. Just Ugh.
I found this song not too long ago. I kinda related to it a lot. Just some parts of the lyrics are... Well. something I can identify with?
I know this song is kind of famous of Creepypastas. But I found it completely unrelated to them, maybe... half a year ago?
I think, no matter that the original authors intention was to create this song, I can see myself a lot in the lyrics. And I just like this version of it the most.
I just kinda like that song.
This song kinda represents a category I like to listen to sometimes, besides Piano music. It feels like a kind of mind warping, mental traveling music. Just leaning back to it, closing my eyes and letting thoughts just go.
These just kinda belong to the same category as above.
I just always liked that song. It's edgy I know. I'm a sad, edgy, depressed person.
My heart feels strongly about Linkin Park. A band that was always with me.
That Chester ended up killing himself... He also went trough child abuse and other things.
I feel like... I don't have to say much about that. This band is always something I can come back to and feel somewhat a connection to.
See you soon Chester.
I don't even understand the lyrics of this song. Don't even know if it's Japanese or Chinese. I don't speak Japanese even tho my SO speaks it constantly and is half Japanese.
But I still like this song after she shared it with me.
I don't really like nightcore, even tho I posted 2 videos of it here. But I like this version of this song.
I mostly like the start of this song and it's instrumental overall.
I like this song.
Okay. Let me get a bit emotional (As if I wasn't already...).
Sigh. This was a very nice song making me always think about my and my SO. At least back then. When I could still ignoring what happend. And try to live a somewhat...decent..fake...happy life. It used to mean so much to me. And it still does. It feels me with just sadness tho. Even tho it isn't a sad song after all.
I will leave this section with a song that also meant a lot to us.
This was a song I remember my us listening to. Crying together. After we got united again after an attempt of mine, which lead to also her trying to take her life and ending up in the hospital.
This song always makes me instantly tear up no matter what. So I thought this would be a very fitting song to end on.
- •30, Sat - Thank you hanneskun and paxiti - I want to die - Call for help - Fighting with friends
- •28, Thu - Why are others happy but not me? - It just makes me want to kill myself.
- •25, Mon - My Past, Feelings about this blog & identity issues/self worth.
- •22, Fri - Men suck, Feminism & LGBT vs Religion
- •22, Fri - Nights - Suicide
- •20, Wed - Mental health
- •19, Tue - Don't know