I said last post that it will probably be my last one. I guess I was wrong about that.

Nothing has changed. I'm fighting  with wanting to kill myself. My SO and our roommate try to just watch me constantly. I fail to see the reason. But that's just how it is. At the  end, I'll just loose  my mind, we'll fight and see what happens.

 

Anyways. I wanted to write some thoughts down in some...sorted way.

So I thought why not do it here.

 

---

 

I don't know  if  you saw my recent twitter posts but....

Well yeah.

I haven't talked to either of them for days now.  They constantly talk to me. I just don't respond.

I just don't....feel it anymore. I always hated talking IRL. But now I just feel...too exhausted... done.. painful to even respond to them.

As  I said, I tried  reaching out to people. And 2 responded. I actually also did end up talking  a bit more with them. But then it did just kinda.. die down.

And I understand that.

I simply  don't feel like bothering them. 

And I really hope I didn't end up  bothering Pas. They haven't responded to me back after a pretty... stupid message of  mine.

I hope at the end  they just were busy and then forgot I messaged them. It has been 2  days since then now. I would really hate if what I asked  of them or said would've made them uncomfortable or anything.  Oh well.

I guess that just  failed.

 

I just kinda wanted  to... try something?

Try to make new friends. But eh.  It never works out for me I guess. I just doubt myself too much I guess.

I'm not going  to bother either of them again I think. I feel way to much like I annoy them.

 

---

 

I really wanted to talk to people  lately. I don't sleep much ever. It's insomnia coming  from my stuff. Night terrors and so on.

I usually take things so I can sleep. But I just lately don't feel like it at all. 

I also haven't really eaten anything.  I hate  eating. Ironic cause we  have our roommate as a cook who is  extremely good  with that stuff...

But I don't trust food. I had stuff mixed into my food back  then.  I just can't shake it off.

 

---

 

My last few days just  kind of consisted of..crying...wanting people to talk with me... And some self  harm. Biting yourself actually works pretty well if you can't get a knife or anything  else sharp in your hands.

I'm just loosing my mind. Rapidly decreasing in my ability to think straight I feel like. Like... nearly 50% of what I write has to be auto corrected. If I even click the button on the words.

 

I tried distracting myself by being a bit  active on twitter but... Sigh. No. That's just... not really working.

It just feels so insanely pointless.

 

 

I'm also kinda...

 

---

 

I talked with my best friend about  this  feeling.

It's sad.

I...  always tried  to help people even tho I feel hatred for a lot of them.

When someone was  in pain or needed help. I tried to be there.

 

I noticed no one really wants to do that  for  me.

It's weird. I can talk about suicidal thoughts in a group of people that know  my struggle, and 5 minutes later they  talk about food.

I know people don't care. I'm not that important.

But if you know  someone is having  this issues. And currently  is facing  an insanely hard time... how can you be so cruel?

I feel like thats the same that's making our world so terrible.

What has made the issues of racism so big in the US.

 

People acting only in their own interest. 

I have mine,  I don't  care about yours. People don't want to care or do anything if they  see other people struggle really.

They maybe throw them a bone with some short felt condolences or meaningless words. But that's it.

 

I honestly just feel like a person starving on the sidewalk, while people walk past me with bags of food they  could easily share.

But they're selfish. They don't care.

 

People don't want to take the  time and think about other people. But expect friends  or others to care when they need help.

People are insanely selfish. At least most of them  are.

 

I hate you for your ignorance and  that you believe that doing nothing is better than trying something. You are what  makes this world  so fucking shitty cause you only care about yourself.

You don't know what to say? Don't say things like "it gets better"  or  words of encouragement to me.  And  you're probably fine.

But you not knowing  that  shows that you don't care. You haven't wasted a moment really thinking about it. Go on and worry about what you'll eat tonight. Or what game you'll play now cause you're bored.

 

Sigh. It just feels so insanely... wrong. And left  alone.

From the people that I share a group with, I helped multiple of  them with  some things. When they had issues with themselves.

 

Hey  you. Remember when you didn't know what to do? And didn't know  how to go on?

When you asked me  about medication?

Had struggles with your GF that cheated on you?

 

This isn't  directed at one person.

And there's way  more times I was there.  If at all, at least  talking to you.

I even talked to people I disliked. Just to not let them be alone.

But now  they're nowhere to be found.

 

This is why I wanted to find new people. People that maybe aren't like that. But I guess... I just can't.

Sigh. Whatever.

 

I decided to leave nearly all servers  I was in on discord. It felt too pointless.

 

Wish I could've  found some people  to talk to, but I seem to just  be unlucky..mess up..do it  wrong.

But it doesn't matter really.  I really hope  it doesn't matter anymore soon.

 

---

 

I wanted to talk about some music I like or that means something to me.

You can listen to it or not. Who cares. I put it at the  end of the post cause I didn't want people to think... Oh it's one of those posts....

And just skip reading everything.

 

I always loved piano music. A lot of songs carry a certain...  Sadness. Heaviness.

I'm glad that long  time ago I found myuu as an artist. A lot of his songs felt very.. nice to me. It just always fits my mood.

 

 

This song. Ugh. I personally don't like listening to it but..... There are times I do. I kind of hate this song. But at the  same time I don't. Just Ugh.

 

 

 

I found this song not too long  ago. I kinda related to it a lot. Just some parts of the  lyrics are... Well. something I can identify with?

 

 

 

I know this song is kind of famous of Creepypastas. But I found it completely unrelated  to them, maybe... half a year ago?

I think, no matter that the original authors intention  was to create this song, I can see myself a lot in the lyrics.  And I just like this version of it the most.

 

 

 

I just kinda  like that song.

 

 

 

This song kinda represents a category I like to listen to sometimes, besides Piano  music. It feels like a kind of mind  warping, mental traveling  music. Just leaning back to it, closing my eyes and  letting thoughts just go.

 

 

 

These just kinda belong to the same category as above.

 

 

 

I just always liked that song. It's edgy I know. I'm a sad, edgy, depressed person.

 

 

 

My heart feels  strongly  about Linkin Park. A band that was always with me.

That Chester ended up killing himself... He  also went  trough child abuse and other things.

I feel like... I don't have to say much about that. This band is always something I can come back to and feel somewhat a connection to.

See you soon Chester.

 

 

 

Great song.

 

 

 

I don't even understand the lyrics of this song. Don't even know if it's Japanese or Chinese. I  don't speak Japanese even tho my SO speaks it constantly and  is half Japanese.

But I still like this song  after she shared it with me.

 

 

 

 

I don't  really  like nightcore, even tho I posted 2 videos of it here. But I like this version of this song.

 

 

 

 

I mostly  like the start of this song and it's instrumental overall.

 

 

 

 

I  like  this  song.

 

 

 

 

Okay. Let me get a bit emotional (As if I wasn't already...).

This song......

Sigh. This was a very nice song making me always think about my and my SO. At  least back then. When I could still ignoring  what happend. And try to live a somewhat...decent..fake...happy  life. It used to mean so much to me. And it still  does. It feels me with just sadness tho. Even tho it isn't a sad song after all.

 

 

 

 

I will leave this section with a song that also meant a lot to us.

This was a song I remember my us listening to. Crying  together. After we got united again after  an attempt of mine, which lead  to also her trying to take her life and ending up in the hospital.

This song always  makes me instantly  tear up no matter what. So I thought this would be a very fitting song to end on.

 

 

 

-Ayumi