Two faced love - Fuck the LGBT community?

November 21, 2021 - 22:55:42 UTC

Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Misandry, Gore, Suicide, Strong language, Transphobia, Homophobia

Description: Talking about issues with my wife, the lgbt community and somewhat myself.

It nearly has been a year since my last post. And honestly, I don't know anymore what has changed or what has stayed the same.


I think I'll go over shortly about what I remember mentioning in the past, and then just talk about whatever comes up in my mind. Don't expect a cohesive post (Are any of my post that, anyways?).


Whatever, lets start.



I'm able to talk rather normally again with my SO and our roommate. I still have moments where I can just not talk, but I feel like thats just normal.


I've had situations that were close to me trying to kill myself this year, but at least if I can even remember correctly, I was not in the hospital.

But to be honest, I could be wrong about that. I feel insanely like my head is just.... very much cloudy, foggy. Ever since I did ECT back then, my memory has been becoming worse and worse. I fail to remember so much even tho I always used to be very good with keeping my memories and recalling events in order and so on.


Anyways, besides that, the situation at home is somewhat the same as it used to be.

My SO is still spending a lot of time with me, I'm very close to our roommate.

The thing that has changed is that me and my SO are trying to do more "couple" things outside again. But I'll get to why later.


Else we've been thinking about moving or buying a second house. To have a place away from people even more. But we have gripes with that, regarding our roommate( I still wish I had a better word for them, since a roommate is not really what they are...).

They've been starting to pick up studies again, and obviously their life is not ours. But at the same time, over the years they've lived with us, taken care of our household and so on, we've grown all very close. So its hard to decide that to do.


Else, I can't really think about anything in my mind currently that is worth mentioning here.




Okay. This is the first thing I wanted to just... let out. Talk about, document or just sort my thoughts on. But I don't know how to deal with it, handle it, describe it so people could understand it from a viewpoint that isn't immediately damning the person I love.


But sigh, I'll just try.


The last years especially have been hard on the relationship between me and my wife.

We're a gay couple that met very very young due very ...unique and weird circumstances. We had, if I might say, a pretty "unnormal" (but what even is normal) life together.


A lot of things took a toll on our relationship. There's a lot I could mention, but I want to focus on one specific "side".

My wife has been, since basically our getting together, be the fierce lioness that protected me from being harmed any more than I was already. She fought people with toe and nail. With words and her body, to defend myself and her. She has always been this shimmer of light for me. For me, a person that feels weak, sometimes like I am just that little girl again that sits in the corner of her bed and awaits her abuser and rapist to come back to get her.

She has done so much over the years, given up so many things just for me, worked her whole life around me, made accommodations, and so on.


I love her deeply for what she has done and just for who she is. She is the only person I feel freely comfortable around. Who I trust the most and who I know I just love.


But...sigh... I mention all this to paint a picture of her. How she is in my mind.

The person that even tho I lash out in PTSD Episodes/attacks, even physically harmed her in the past, etc, just reached out and hugged and cried with me. The person that has prove multiple times to me that she would just do absolutely everything for me and with me.

This one glimmer of something I actually like about this life, that else has me feeling of being unneeded, unwanted and pointless.


Just...that this isn't all that is to it.


Sigh. I don't know.


Words for this are hard to form out.

Can you understand this? This one person that is basically your whole life. Your love. Your "rock". Your everything.


But then theres something bad about them you just ignore or push away in your mind.







My SO is a very affectionate person. Very physical. And lets just name it as it is, sexual.

I mean, we both take care of our bodies. Find each other attractive, no problem right?



Just that her sex drive is way way higher than mine. I basically have none. Or rather, I really don't have any at this point.


I'm fine with those interactions cause I love my SO deeply. But I mainly consider myself as just doing it for her. Which I do not mind that much. 


But I can't often keep with it. Especially when I'm at very bad times mentally, which can be weeks. And have been more and more frequent.


So...sigh. No. My SO did not cheat on me. She wouldn't do that. 




Even when you love a person dearly you can sometimes do things that are just wrong to them.


And just...Sigh I dont fucking know how to write this out. The whole text above was just dancing around actually saying it.


I want to write sigh over and over again cause I just .. I don't even know.




I've been raped in the past. Over years. I'm weak mentally and don't really push back against someone taking advantage of me....


And...that someone is sometimes my SO.


Who... gets me drunk or otherwise unable to do much and... well... sigh... Do the thing with me.

I don't want to say it, okay?

I know what it sounds like. I know what it somewhat is. 

Maybe it's clear what I mean, maybe not it's just....






My SO sometimes takes advantage of me and rapes me.


I don't know...if it really is... rape.... 

Rape is a lack of consent right? And even tho I didn't want it at the time or...felt like it.... Even if I pushed back at the time and said no....

I can't help but look back on it and just feel like.... "it's not that bad, right?"

Its not like shes hurting me... She just gets me drunk... or gets me to take meds that make me very groggy/phase out and then just...does the thing she wants to... 


but I keep thinking.. shes gentle..and nice with with... Its not like she just uses me at those times or whatever but...sigh....


I know okay... at least I think I know.

That I'm maybe making excuses.


But... sigh... the context okay?


My wife is..everything for me.. I'm everything for her... and she put basically her whole life on the backburner since forever, just for me.


On top of that, she has her own past trauma that has to do with sexual abuse and rape.


But I know that all sounds like excuses for people that want to see it just as black and white.


For me it is...just...complicated.


I switch around between feeling like maybe shes doing bad things to me to...feeling like I can understand her and feeling like I'm just making a big deal out of nothing.


Listen... I don't... hate my wife for what she has done to me. It sure is nothing good. It sure shouldn't be that way. But.. I will not...ever hate her for it.




I'll leave that here and continue on.



So, with this now explained... we have started to talk deeply about this and other issues.

About issues regarding our life. What we're happy with or unhappy with.

About the family situation, with us getting a child somehow. And so on.


My wife, while giving me her everything, is burning out. She is isolated. Her head only spins around me, and she felt like it's destroying her.

Cause she felt this dread more and more... that she is fighting this... war she can't win. That shes on a very short amount of leased time. And whatever she tries to do she'll loose me.

Something I've been saying for a long time about myself. 


It's just that she wishes for us to be more of a couple again.

Don't get me wrong. We have a very deep relationship. We are also close in the way of cuddling... doing romantic things at home together, etc.


But she wants.. a life. She wants to do some more things that she considers normal. Like meeting her friends TOGETHER with me. Going to couples nights. Or just going out to take a walk in a forest or things like that.

Boiling down her feelings is basically... she doesn't want anything different than spend time together with me as a "real" couple would. It's not that it can't work otherwise. But for her, a lot of things are just missing.


But she understands that all those things are not easy for us to do. Since I'm now so absolutely aversive of going out, being under people, and so on.


At the same time... we talked about what she has done to me. She acknowledge it, and we talked about it a lot. 


There is a lot more but I honestly just want to leave this section behind me.


Basically, we're starting to do more things. We've been out for walks at times, we had meetings with some old friends that are married by now too, a couples night with dinner and stuff. Stuff she longed for. 

We're trying to make our relationship better again, repair it since it may have not seem that way, but it was broken in a way.


We are now talking even more honest and deep about things, so we don't do anything like bottling it up again.


But..well... Sigh. I know this didn't have a very clear conclusion to any of the topics I started in this section but.. it's hard to form my head around it.



Next is an LGBT section, so skip if you don't care.




I'm a Lesbian. I'm also Demisexual/romantic. 

While I don't consider the later a very big part of who I am, just something that is how I am, the first one, being a Lesbian, is very important to me.


Over the years I've been more and more... firm on identity as a lesbian.

What does that mean... hard to say....

I just feel very strongly about this label and how it relates to me, my life and some aspects of my identity.

Being a gay woman is simply very different. Same as being a hetero guy is different from a hetero girl. Etc.

Sexuality is... no matter how much people want to deny it, a big part of who we are at times.

Who we surround ourselves with, how we get treated by others, and so on.


Anyways. Lesbian.


Lesbian...what is... a Lesbian?

Stupid question, right?

A Lesbian is......




I hate the LGBT online community.

Cause saying Lesbian is "a woman that loves women" is now considered offensive in online communities.

And it just makes me feel so.... sad.


What is the "current" definition of Lesbian big main stream online LGBT communities use?

"Non men loving non men".....

For fucks sake.......

A...Label that described love between women... now has to even center their definition around men.....



I hate the current push of especially online activists that everything has to be all inclusive.


I'll take you on a little journey before continuing this rant.


Take a look at this link.


What do we see there. Just a wiki defining and explaining what a Lesbian is...right...?


Well.. oh man...


This was frustrating and still is.

Take a look at the right, look at what "Genders" and "Genders attracted to" says.


If you see nothing wrong here...well... I don't know.


But this used to be even worse, which sparked a "big" controversy online in some lesbian circles.


I mean.. just look at the text of that article. 

The modern idea that non-men are the only ones allowed to use the lesbian label excludes non-binary men who feel as though the term lesbian best fits their attraction.


Like... This article, over and over, tries to pander to extremely minor cases of people, and wants to expand the definition of the whole label just to be inclusive to every little single person, so no one feels excluded or left out... and it's just...sigh...


The same stupid thing about "Bi lesbians" and all that.

And this mindset...that everything now has to be all inclusive to every little thing is being pushed everywhere in online spaces at least. And it's just so....fucking...insanely irritating to me....


Like... okay. Let me rant for a second.


Lesbian is an label that was always and will always be a exclusionary. Cause guess what. LESBIANS DO NOT LIKE MEN. The whole point of the Label...identity..culture... was that there were women that were attracted to women and not men. For fucks sake.

And don't come with "Wellll actually in the 60s/70s/80s political lesbians took that label away from bi women and separated and...waaah"

Fuck off. Even if the word used to be different (Which is not the case since a lot of literature hints at Lesbian being an exclusive "Women who are exclusively into women" thing... Guess what?



Look at yourself if you think I'm being an exclusionist, and saying I'm wrong for using the most accepted definition of what a lesbian is cause "niiih it used to mean something else"

Words. Fucking. Change.

And you should fucking know. LGBT people have pushed for words having different meanings since who knows when. And in society, words just change their meaning if the majority agrees or the new meaning is just more spread and accepted.


You know what you sound like to me? A conservative hanging onto the past, refusing change to happen.

"Oh how ironic since you're complaining about labels getting more inclusive hihi"

Oh fuck off.

I'm mad about the fact that people are pushing themselves into groups and arguments they don't belong to, and hijack labels like they're trying to collect them like pokemons. For fucks sake.




I'm just... so done with the online community.

Its just tiring.

Why is the biggest lesbian subreddit filled with like 40/50% trans women?
Why are people pushing the narrative that lesbians can be attracted to men as an inclusive thing now?

Why does it always have to be Lesbians that take every shit they get an instantly apologize for it?


Look at the Gay men community. The same shit is being tried there, and while gay men in my eyes, are the most sexist and otherwise homophobic people I've encountered, at least they don't give into every try to make their labels and identities something they're not.


But Lesbians do.




I don't hate trans people okay? I have advocated for them in the past.


But please why is it that spaces for lesbians tend to...absolutely get overrun by TW(Trans Women)?

Why is the TW % so high on r/actuallesbians on reddit? Or on most other spaces? Why does it feel like the most weirdest, edge case people have the most control? That then just push things on us that the majority doesn't even agree with? Why is this?


It's just... frustrating.


I'm a Lesbian. A woman who loves a woman. 

I'm not a "non men loving a non men". 

Just...sigh...fuck off with this shit......





The above mentioned feelings have also pointed me towards more... bad thoughts about other parts within the LGBT.


I don't know. I'm really starting to fall for TERF rhetoric. 

I know not all TW are rapist, or force Lesbians to like "girldick".

I know trans men aren't lost women.



It's getting harder and harder for me to not see .... especially TW... as a group I just... don't get along with?


Over the course of my life, I have met one single Trans person that I could be okay with.

Which is our non binary, AFAB, more or less femme presenting roommate.


Besides that... every interaction... especially with TW... lead to me just being... irritated. 

Let me give an example.


This week, Mel, our roommate, showed me a thread on reddit.

It was a post on r/traaa, a Trans subreddit for memes.

The post was about how trans men and NB people on that subreddit got harrased, threatened and shamed by TW.


Link to the comment explaining the whole thing here, if you want to read.

(Careful, its lengthy.)


In short. TW messaged TM(Trans Men) and NB people, asking for "switching bodies, trading body party". They harrased them, threatened them and made just overall very bad things towards them.

If you know anything about the trans community... you know that this is a recurring thing.

Trans men are often ignored, TW get most of the bad attention from the media.

But in house... the community has their issue with trans women often speaking over trans men, ignoring their issues, dominating the discussion, etc.


So, the above thread, and comments are really just a repeated cycle in their community.


But you know what I find funny?

The reaction.


Here, take a short glimps at a response thread and the comments.



Weird reaction to people saying they get harrased and receive death threats etc.


You know what this sounded like to me?

"Not all men!"

"I'm not one of the bad ones, don't group me with them!"

"Don't generalize, we're not all like that!"


Huh. Weird.

Men tend to say that when we talk about rape culture.

Cops tend to say that when.. they're cops.


I find it nearly hilarious how visible it is that a lot of TW are so ignorant and selfish. Self entitled and just refuse to acknowledge that their up bring as "male perceived" has engrained certain behaviors and way of thinking into them.

They do exactly what other groups mentioned above do.


And I'll repeat what I said in another post.


Cause we have shitty men sitting there and be like "Well I don't rape women. I'm not part of the problem".

Yes you fucking are. If you don't actively involve yourself in ending this shit and think "you not doing anything bad" is enough...

The fuck?

How is you not doing anything bad stop all the men around you that you let run around freely being absolute shit to us?


If you silently sit there and watch your own group of people behave insanely bad towards another, and you do nothing about it, you're part of the problem.


I just can't get past the fact that every fucking interaction has been just... so draining and uncomfortable. I wish I could change my mind but I feel like I'm just spiraling more and more towards hating the trans community... especially cause of self entitled, egocentric and tone deaf TW.

Who...I'll be blunt... never fully unlearned the behavior that has been trained into them when they were perceived as men.

Male and female socialization is a thing. Not every experience is the same.  But we have gender roles and those loosely define how society treats you. If you were seen as one gender for a long time, you learned how to be in that role. Cause people at least saw you as that role. No matter if you like it or not.


Unpack that, relearn better behavior. Don't scream about how uncomfortable it makes you. Cause shit like....

This! I never wanted the male socialization and it brought me a lot of trauma. It effin almost killed me... It makes me sad to see so much Terf rethoric and overgeneralizations in a sub that should be inclusive to all of us...

(A quote from one of the threads above, from a TW).

What is it. does male socialization exist or not? You can't have it both ways.

Just cause it brought you trauma and you don't like it, doesn't make it not real. 

This person even acknowledges that it was pushed onto them. But refuses to see how MAYBE that makes them behave the way they do.


Sigh. Whatever. Anyways.





I had more in my head initially but I think I wrote myself out of motivation.


My only thoughts by now are....


I want to get raped again. Skinned alive while it's happening. I want to be treated like the human shit I am. I feel so worthless and meaningless. Like a fuckhole for whoever wants to use it. Just disgusting.


I feel like I can still feel his touch. I feel like I sit on my bed at night, listening for foot steps. listening if he comes into my room.

I remember the pain right now that I felt so often when he forced himself on me. His disgusting hands touch me. I hear my own sobbing, screaming... even my own silence echos in my head.


Sigh. I'll just take some meds after I'm done with this and just... whatever.


I picked up self harm a lot again, when I have the chance to be alone and not seen by my wife or roommate. 

Terrible coping mechanism, but what am I supposed to do really.


I have complicated feelings and sometimes I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it.

Cause my head keeps telling me I can't trust anyone. That they'll laugh or that all this is just fake. A show. A plan to make me go insane. Which I feel I did long time ago.


I don't know. Whatever.


I hope you and me agree that I'm just honestly a worthless person. A person not worth a thought. Which is funny. Cause you're reading this.

But why? And why am I asking myself this and write it out?

Sigh. Don't know.


Whatever. I'm just... worthless.