I want it all just to end

August 23, 2020 - 15:06:16 UTC

Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Gore, Suicide, I don't know probably more

Description: A talk about my past, the current issues and my feelings of just loosing my sanity more and more.

I feel extremely cold....

 

Funny right? Cause it's so hot everywhere.

My SO is showering like every few hours, our roommate moans about dying to the heat constantly.

It seems so normal...

 

 

Ha. I should write a whole post like that.. just out of the perspective of normal things... leave out all the rest...

 

No.

 

Sigh. I have been trying  to write  a post since 2  weeks or so now. A lot of thoughts I had felt like something I wanted to write down...

But I just couldn't get myself to do anything really...

 

But.. oh well. Here we  are.

 


 

Well. What has happened lately? Since my last post?

 

I honestly  would say not much.

 

One of  the biggest things was that I managed to talk to my SO once. It's hard  to remember entirely to be honest since it's a while ago now..

I was having an insanely bad breakdown, I was a mess. And I guess in that moment it didn't matter much. Since I was at my limit anyways.

I can't fully remember what  I said.. or what we  talked. I think it was for half an hour? But I just... was too far gone to remember what we talked about.

I don't see it as a positive thing really. I was at my end, it was like shooting yourself in the head after jumping of the big cliff. It didn't matter anyways.

And at the end, it didn't help either. So I gained nothing from it. Sick reality.

 

Else... Nothing much happened.. I'm still even now trying to do sports  as much as I can which often lead to me nearly blacking out, puking or whatever else. I know  it isn't healthy. I just can't stop.

 

Else, it has been going just like before but worse. I try to be alone as much as I can. But our roommate/my SO try to do a lot of stuff with me. Watching movies/series. Playing games. And so on. I don't fight it. It isn't worth it. I never enjoy these things but... what should I do...

 


 

Anyways.. Lets get into more specific stuff I wanted to write about.

And this one is still very.. fresh  and.... weird.

Sigh.

I can already feel like some people will read the next things and have shit takes like "Well should've just not done it; Should've done X  thing different; Bla Bla"

That's  great for you, really.

So.. here's what I mean:

My SO was gone for a few days for business stuff, since she had to  fly somewhere.

While she was gone, our roommate was supposed to look after me like they've  done many times before.

All fine and good. Preparations were made. Plans how to deal with things, and so on.

Forward a bit. And we get to the critical thing....

I can't shower by myself.

Water makes me... shut down. It's like a trigger for me. Feeling water on my skin makes me panic. Shut down my mind. Or freak out.

My SO always helps me with showering/taking a bath. Since I just can't do it by myself.

Our roommate has helped me before too. It was never  that easy. I sometimes panic and freak out as I said. But it never went this bad.

We were trying to do it "as normal". But something just felt.... more wrong. The way they touched me... The feelings...

I freaked out big time. Pushed them away. Which lead to them getting hurt.(Which they've  said by themselves  doesn't bother them.)

But I just felt.....

Sigh...

I couldn't stop feeling like they wanted to abuse me....

They're one of the nicest persons I have  ever known and my mind couldn't stop thinking they  wanted  to do horrible things to me too....

I still have not really gotten over it fully... But just... sigh... They feel so bad for me... And I just sit here and feel  like they are my "enemy" in a way... 

What a fucking shit  show...

 

But yeah. That happened. As stupid as it might seem.

 

It made me  feel so insecure.. worthless... But also just pathetic and guilty that I blame them for something like that... Sigh.. But I can't help it...

 

No idea if this will just.. go away. Who knows.

 


 

I have been lately often thinking about family. Blood related family to be exact.

You know. In certain terms. My family was miraculously supportive. But these were the rare things.

On other stuff they  were.....

I have said it a few times before but I think just explaining it again is best.

My  family  blamed be  for destroying everything, by coming out about being raped. They blamed me for destroying our family. My dad literally told me multiple times that he  wished I would've just  kept my stupid  mouth shut.

My brother's were always a mixed bag. One of them is "okay". The others are..  Horrible to whatever.

 

But the  main thing why I have been thinking about my family... was my mother.

Sigh. I have no idea  what to think about her to this day.

My mom also had schizophrenia. And other things I assume. I never got to know it too well.

But... Nonetheless  at times... She was a wonderful person. My dad is a very materialistic person. Feelings in general were not a big topic in our family. Money and all that  stuff was always the worry. There was no care about someones  feelings. Being there  for each other. And so on.

 

But my mom sometimes was different.. a caring person. Nice. Understanding. Supportive.

But.. Sigh.. She was also horrible at times. Throwing stuff at me.  yelling. And so on.

But just.. I  wonder... How was SHE really. I know how it is to live with schizophrenia  by  now.. And I wonder.. How was the real person behind her illness...  Was I to harsh on her?  I have  done terrible things to my SO and others too cause of my issues...

Should  I be more  forgiving to her?

 

But then again....

She...

Knew...

 

She  knew about what was happening.. I know it... But.. She  didn't... do anything....

She  also knew that one of my brothers got abused by someone and I only got to know way  later from himself. And he told me that our mom knew fully. And it was all cleared "under the table".

 

She  knew  what was being done to me too.. and did nothing... And I just...

Why?

Was it... her messed up mind?

Could she not accept that she let something like that happen to her child?  Did she try to ignore it cause of that?

Mom what was the reason? Please.. just tell me...

 

I wish I could ask her... I wish I could talk to her without her issues...

But she had to kill herself by skinning herself. A horrible but fitting death.

But I can never ask her the questions....

I know from things she has said  to me.. That she too suffered abuse and rape from her step father.

She "loved" telling the stories of him chasing her around with a heated iron from the fire place/oven.

 

And looking back at my family, altho the things they've said to me....

For my mom and dad, they  always treated my like a princess. My brothers were always  mad about that. I definitely had a preferential treatment from them.

A pretty sick perversion isn't it, in some way?

If you think about it. Could've been seen as a way of them trying to make up for the horrible things. Maybe my dad knew too?

But I doubt that. That seems unlikely. But just.. It's just  so fucked up...

Sigh.. Oh well. I can't change it anymore. As much as I wish to talk to her again,  it isn't possible. 

 


 

The last few weeks my flashbacks/attacks got.. "worse".

 

I see more and more situations play out. Like I'm in them again.

Like getting strangled by him cause hes drunk and in rage again cause I didn't do what he wanted. Or just cause he was mad about something  else. I feel in panic, deeply sad. Like my breath is being blocked. Like I'm suffocating.

 

Or him.. hunched  over  me on my bad, breathing heavily.. kissing me.. licking me.. forcing himself into me... A kid.. Screaming...

I feel the pain.. I hear myself begging him to stop...He often puts a hand on my mouth... He does  his thing.. I just feel pain.. I just  want it to stop... It feels like the longest thing in my life.. every time.. every situation...

Every time I see things like  that.. In all their variations they have happened.. They feel just so... endless...

I see myself again standing between these men... They're filming me and doing things to me... 

 

Sigh. So many things. So many... fucking things....

I wish I could convey my thoughts about them...

You know.. Being raped  as a kid by one guy.. constantly is something.

But stuff that  he did to get money or whatever his fucking thing was with that... Letting it happen by other.. filming it..probably selling it...

 

Sigh...

It's terrifying to think about...  That this stuff could still be out there... I am out there... Me.. Being filmed by him..  or them...

I'm out there and some people....

Enjoy watching that...

They  enjoy it...

 

I can't....

 

 


 

I feel so guilty.. So... Insanely guilty. Like I deserved all of this...

I feel like I deserve this pain... I feel like all of it is right for me... I need to get punished...

I know that these things are just stuff that have been engraved into me by him.

But I can't stop thinking about it....

I just want to die...

I want to be sliced open... Have my organs pulled out... Take my hands  and legs off... Who knows? Maybe rape me  again. Like the human trash I am...

 

What am I writing... I don't know.. It's just that I feel like  I deserve the worst things imaginable... My  mind is just breaking apart and I just... feel like pulling my eyes out....

 


 

I'm really scared that I will harm my SO or our roommate. 

I have done bad things  to my  SO already over the years. Very bad things.

And I'm afraid.. the worse this gets... the higher the chance is that I do things to both of them again.. and worse  things than before...

I just want  to die.. But I feel like more and more I don't care if I harm them too...

I don't want to. Obviously. And they're both fully aware. My SO knows about all of this.

But still... It's just... sigh...

 

What am I? Who am I?

 

Whats the point? I don't get it?

I feel like I'm just loosing my sanity more and more.

It gets so hard for me to remember things.. to think.. to focus.. 

I feel like I'm just going absolutely insane... loosing control more  and more... My head is going on without me...

 

I don't know what to do anymore and no one  else has any answers for me.

I'm aimless, without a goal or reason  to exist. Everything feels like suffering and  pain.

 

Sigh.. Whatever.

 

If you want any more pathetic stuff till I fucking kill myself for good, you can read my stupid twitter .

 

Sorry for writing this. It would've been better not to.

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