I hate nothing more than myself.

January 14, 2021 - 18:59:37 UTC

Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Misandry, Gore, Suicide, Strong language, LGBT

Description: Recap of the last months. Talk about children. Self hate. Fuck men.

Collecting my thoughts to figure out how to start these things always feels like the hardest part of writing them at all.


On one side, these posts are just like a diary for myself. On the other side, I "want" to share them with people. Its weird to kind of think about how to form out thoughts in a way that kind of represent both of those ideas.


Anyways. I'm starting to write this directly after the new year. On the 01.01.2021. Lets see how long this will take.




First, I'll catch up with certain things in my life.


After the long time I was basically isolated within my own body, so to say, by not being able to talk with my SO or roommate due extreme forms of anxiety/panic and other things, medication finally kind of solved that problem.
I'm able to talk with both of them somewhat normalish again since... I don't know.. Mid December..or the start of December? I don't remember.

I still feel very uncomfortable when talking. A lot of panic about voicing things, using my voice, forming words. Letting thoughts become a reality. But it has become manageable to the point where I'm at least able to communicate again. Which is...something I guess?


Besides that, I'm not sure what else worthy of mention happened. A lot of small things maybe. 
So far, no attempt from myself was made again in a serious manner. 

But I have been doing a lot more self harm. Especially cutting on my arms and legs.

Else, the situation at home has not changed. Our roommate is still with us. I spent a lot of time with them. My SO is also spending more time with me, as she's taking of a lot of time from working to be with me. Especially due some recent things happening, how much worse certain mental issues for me have become and the fact that it was/is Christmas and new years. Which is a time I'm always much more sensitive/worse.


Else, I don't think there's anything else I want to mention here that isn't it's own topic. So lets get to that.



Being able to talk again does not feel like a good thing to me at all. I know. It is confusing since in posts before, that are now a few months old already, I "complained" about feelings of isolation, hurt and wanting to be able to talk again. 

And while certainly, it is a positive that I can give my SO comfort again with words and communicating with her, communication brings it's own issues with it.


Sigh. I honestly thought so long how to word this out but especially this topic is so hard for me that I can't find a good way I "like". So I'll just say it kind of straight.(What a pun)


As a same sex couple, we face a lot of issues in society. Which is pretty maddening already.

But there's issues that exist between couples like us, that are just related to well... us being a same sex couple. In a sense of..reality.

Sigh. I fucking hate this so much. Hate writing about it. Hate thinking about it. Hate everything about it.


My SO always wanted a family. Kids. Her biggest wish in life, was having a Family with the person she loves deeply. Me.

Of course, the first reaction would be like "Well? Adoption...Sperm donation..." and so on. But no.
What her wish is, is having a kid with me. For her, it is about having biological kids with me. Kind of like leaving something behind that is a combination of us two. 

I'm sure there are many arguments to dismiss her feelings. That adoption is valid, even more beneficial since it helps kids in need and so on. But.... Well.
It simply isn't what she wants. And I think that is valid.


But the reality is... it's not possible, obviously. (Yes yes, there are cases were people are working with creating sperm from egg cells/other parts etc. I know.)

But just simply put... this became very obvious to her recently. Over the last year. Especially the last months, she noticed herself how big her desire for this was.

And now we just sit in front of this situation... a situation that has no real solution.

It's soul crushing.

We always had things between us, but all of them seemed rather "easy" to solve for us. But this is just a monolith. Something we can't work with. It's just a final thing that nothing can be changed or done about. It is how it is.

And that feels so insanely bad. I wish so much I could fulfill her desire. But I can't. It isn't possible.

Even if she would maybe change her mind. And be like "fine, a donation would do"... That's something I could never handle.

As dumb as it sounds, it would feel like cheating to me. Either of us having "sperm" of someone else combined with... and then a child as a result of that? The thought just makes me kind of feel like vomiting.


And you know... after some things happened recently, that I don't want to talk about....

I feel a lot like I also miss certain parts of the experience. 

Motherhood. Carrying a child in yourself. Birth. Caring for your baby. 

I suddenly feel.... Very sad that I can never experience these things for myself. 

I never really wanted or cared for kids. And so far, our motto was always that having a kid with my mental issues and instability, is obviously a very very bad choice.

Sure. These things are still more or less true, in terms of that I have issues that are dangerous and all that.


But this doesn't change how either of us feel about the loss of this possibility.


And it's just so unfair... So... I don't even know.

I have been talking about it a bit with my best friend. And every time I did that, I just feel so much like...anger..sadness... so overcoming. When I think about all of this. It makes me really dizzy. Nauseous. Feeling like I just want to scream and punch a wall till my hand just breaks.


What do you do about this?

...... Nothing......




And that just sucks. All of this is just... fucking bullshit and just....

I don't know.

It feels like it made a rift suddenly between me and my SO. Who has done so much for me. Was there for me all the time. Who loves me so deeply. But there's now this thing between us. Cause I know... for her it's a big desire. And I can't give that to her.

I would be lying if I didn't think about how this could lead to a lot of things. Children/Family are some of the most important things for some people in a relationship. And of course. My mind even went trough the possibility of divorcing... cheating, and all that.


And just....fuck. I hate this. I hate it. I hate is so. So. So. Fucking. Much.


Just...fuck all of this.





For months now I have been having issues with my own identity. How I view myself. How I feel about myself.


In some posts before, I mentioned how I feel like a blob. How, when I look in the mirror.. I don't really "see" anything.

I don't know what I am anymore... Who I am. And so on. I went about it on detail on other posts already.

Anyways. A certain things recently happend, as mentioned in the part above, that shook things up a bit in that regard, and made it spirale a lot more again.


This whole questioning of what I am even. I am not sure what values I even hold. What thoughts are coming from my own. I think that's hard to understand.

But it's a question of asking myself ... where do all the things about me, even come from?

Do I feel this or that way about a certain thing cause I, myself, really feel/think that way or... Is that due things in the past that have been kind of indoctrinated into me?


Who the fuck am I? What makes the person with my name.. my body... me? What am I even?


I mentioned that I was even questioning my gender. Both in posts and on my twitter.

And honestly... I just don't know. I have been talking about this so much with our roommate. They love talking about "deep emotional stuff" with me. I also talked with my best friend. I looked a lot over the months into so many things. But I got nowhere.


This question... What is being a woman even... What does it mean? And what does it mean to ME. Is that what I am? Is that what I want to be seen as? Does that fit me?

What would being non binary mean? What is being non binary? What does it change for me and others if I am that? How do I know I am that and not a woman?


I feel like I talked myself into believing I have an answer. But I don't really feel like I do have one.

You know. I feel like I am maybe just trying to run away from my past. Maybe getting rid of the label "Woman" is like taking off dirty cloths..or clothes you don't like. And you just change into something else.

Kind of like just.. running away from the reality by trying to identify out of it.(Just to make it clear, this is a stupid take transphobes always make especially about woman/girls like me. That they become trans just to run away/flee from trauma or the patriarchy. And I just want to say, that this is just my personal experience, and has nothing to do with any of that. Don't use this as an argument against legit trans people. It's shit.)

Anyways. Yeah. I feel like my mind is just trying to get rid of something I associate with pain... bad things... As if getting rid of being a woman would suddenly get rid of these things. Which it obviously doesn't.


But... I don't know if I'm right about this? If my brain is really trying to do that...

Maybe I am actually not comfortable with being a woman. And I would be more comfortable being non binary. I have been thinking a lot of trying out She/They as my pronouns to tip toe my way into it. But I honestly also just.. don't feel comfortable with that at all.

It's such a mess. I don't know where I stand on it. Where I am now and how to get to any solution. 

No amount of research... self reflection...talking... seems to really get me anywhere. And it just sucks.


But oh well. What can I do.





All over the years I had issues with self deprecation. Self hate.

Ever since my teens, I struggled with self harm and suicide, obviously. But even beyond that I had periods where my feelings towards my self reach different highs.


For a person like me, who went trough ongoing child sexual abuse, torture and so on. It's somewhat normal to feel "guilty" about it. It's a self doubt of... feeling like you deserved it. That there must have been a good reason it happend.

Also feelings of that's your fault. Cause you haven't done anything against it really. Or even talking yourself into that you must have secretly liked it.


All this is kind of "normal" as I said. But...sigh.

I always had these issues as I said. But in the last year, this feeling has been rising and rising so much more.

I always had certain phases in my life, where I was extremely self sabotaging and hating. Where I felt like bad things should happen to me. But recently these things have just taking new ways to manifest and depths that they didn't reach in such intensity and permanence.


I'll provide some more mild examples of my twitter:


Fantasising about cutting my arms open and pulling my flesh..muscles..vains out.

Really wishing someone would treat me like human trash. Wishing someone would rape and harm me again... Ah..the human mind...




Can't someone just randomly see my tweets and insult me? Call me out for the self absorbed human pile of shit I am?




I long for the day I get treated like the waste of shit I am.

Nothing is getting better.




Make me bleed



I think these are extremely mild examples of what I mean.

I just wish so much someone would cut my stomach open. Pull out my organs. Rape me like I'm just a dead corpse.

Punch me. Make me bleed. Make me feel so...so much pain.


I have recently looked into some misogynist stuff. I saw a video of a women being hung at her hands from a tree, being "flocked" or rather, slapped with wood in the middle of like 50 men, by her husband. She was "accused" by him of cheating. No proof or trial. But she was sentenced to be beaten 100 times by her husband.

After he did that, she passed out from the pain as she was let down from the tree. What happend then?

It's was from India.

They raped her. All the men that were watching that man beat her up then went and raped her as she went unconscious.


Why am I mentioning this?

Cause for fucks sake...how much I just wished this was me...How much I felt like it was me in her position.. being treated like that...

I just fucking..hate myself so much. I'm such a fucking piece of human shit. I deserved all of the things he did to me back then. I'm just shit. I fucking just deserve to bleed out while being used.


I just fucking hate myself so much.

So much that I can't stand seeing my own text in public spaces anymore. When I wrote something in discord the last months. I couldn't stand letting it stay there. I had to delete it after some time. Cause it made me hate that person so fucking much that wrote that message. Which was me. I wanted to punch them. Stab them. Slice their fucking throat open. Hear them gurgle on their own blood. And that fucking person is myself.

God. Everything about me has become so... insanely disgusting to me. And I feel like I just deserve the worst things.


I initially wrote a lot more explicit stuff here but I feel like that might have been to much.


I just feel like I'm so fucking disgusting. Dirty. Guilty. Just human shit that brings everyone around herself down. Makes everyones life just worse. Deserves getting beaten. Raped. Abused. Cut up. Just everything.


I sometimes just sit on our bed when I can be alone and just cut myself while thinking about made up scenarios where people harm me. And it feels so "good".

Which is weird. Isn't it? But I just can't stop hating myself. 



I wanted to write a lot more about some other topics but after contemplating about it over a few days, I don't feel like it anymore.


It was basically just complaining about certain things related to LGBT issues or women issues. 


Basically just complaining how people outside of the LGBT community always try to talk for us or about us, as if they have any right to do so or know anything about us.

Also complaining about men a lot. Especially white cis men. But all in all just men in general.


Okay wait. Listen.

Thinking about this just makes me boil with rage again.


I wish men would listen to things like this: For men who don’t understand why we involve all men when speaking about rape culture


I just want to say that I know I'm extremely anti men by now due my past. I have described in other post with more nuance, how men just scare me. And other things.


But holy fucking hell.


When I hear another Guy talk about how fucking bad his life is. Or even try to imply that men are somehow being oppressed... how feminism is bullshit... how "You're not allowed to be a (white) cis man anymore"... I just...



I wish just one single guy reads this and thinks to himself for once that he probably is a piece of shit.

Why? Well. Look at the link above.

Women have been fighting for you to stop raping us. Abusing us. Stop treating us like 2nd class humans. Give us the same rights as you have. 


Even in the most progressive countries, rape, violence, discrimination and so on against women by men is still rampant. No matter what the fuck we do or say.


Cause we have shitty men sitting there and be like "Well I don't rape women. I'm not part of the problem".

Yes you fucking are. If you don't actively involve yourself in ending this shit and think "you not doing anything bad" is enough...

The fuck?

How is you not doing anything bad stop all the men around you that you let run around freely being absolute shit to us?

And no. This isn't a "it's the upper class/rich people, they get away with rape". 



Fucking stop enabling shitty behavior. Stop locker room talk about how you want to bang X or how huge Y's tits are. Tell your friends to step back when they behave shitty. Don't brush something of as just "joking around".

This whole culture of men just taking a step back and saying "Stop throwing me in with these people, I'm not like them" is just so much bullshit. You're not a saint or any better than them. You let it happen. You don't help. You could also just not exist it makes no difference. As long as you're fine with just being "not as bad".


God. Men just fucking suck so much.


You get people trying to clap you back with "But-But what about mental health for men... What about men Suicide rates...what about..." Just fucking shut up.

The mental health thing is your own fucking fault. Men tell each other to "toughen up". 

Male suicide rate is higher. Yeah. Guess what. Female attempt rate is like 3 times higher tho?

Men just die more from it cause they fucking have access and use more lethal ways. Look into studies before you try to be all "Mens rights".

It's obvious someone shooting themselves in their head will probably die more likely than someone who takes pills or even cuts their arms open.


And there's even studies into why women choose less drastic ways. Cause we have been socialized to not be a burden, women fucking choose "clean" ways that are less lethal to not leave behind a mess for the people after her. God. Even when we fucking die we have to be the sweet little girls that never cause issues or conflict.


Sigh. Anyways. Rant over. Men just make me sick. I used to be more intersectional and more "Yes men need help too, we need to care about them". But every time you run into men you just notice that they don't care deep down.


It's your own fault. You made your bed, now lay in it. Fix the shit you caused and stop trying to reflect valid rage at you with stupid points on how "We also have it bad".