I hate nothing more than myself.
January 14, 2021 - 18:59:37 UTC
Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Misandry, Gore, Suicide, Strong language, LGBT
Description: Recap of the last months. Talk about children. Self hate. Fuck men.
Collecting my thoughts to figure out how to start these things always feels like the hardest part of writing them at all.
On one side, these posts are just like a diary for myself. On the other side, I "want" to share them with people. Its weird to kind of think about how to form out thoughts in a way that kind of represent both of those ideas.
Anyways. I'm starting to write this directly after the new year. On the 01.01.2021. Lets see how long this will take.
First, I'll catch up with certain things in my life.
After the long time I was basically isolated within my own body, so to say, by not being able to talk with my SO or roommate due extreme forms of anxiety/panic and other things, medication finally kind of solved that problem.
I'm able to talk with both of them somewhat normalish again since... I don't know.. Mid December..or the start of December? I don't remember.
I still feel very uncomfortable when talking. A lot of panic about voicing things, using my voice, forming words. Letting thoughts become a reality. But it has become …
Continue reading I hate nothing more than myself.
I want it all just to end
August 23, 2020 - 15:06:16 UTC
Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Gore, Suicide, I don't know probably more
Description: A talk about my past, the current issues and my feelings of just loosing my sanity more and more.
I feel extremely cold....
Funny right? Cause it's so hot everywhere.
My SO is showering like every few hours, our roommate moans about dying to the heat constantly.
It seems so normal...
Ha. I should write a whole post like that.. just out of the perspective of normal things... leave out all the rest...
Sigh. I have been trying to write a post since 2 weeks or so now. A lot of thoughts I had felt like something I wanted to write down...
But I just couldn't get myself to do anything really...
But.. oh well. Here we are.
Well. What has happened lately? Since my last post?
I honestly would say not much.
One of the biggest things was that I managed to talk to my SO once. It's hard to remember entirely to be honest since it's a while ago now..
I was having an insanely bad breakdown, I was a mess. And I guess in that moment it didn't matter much. Since I was at my limit anyways.
I can't fully remember what I said.. or what we talked. I think it was for …
Continue reading I want it all just to end
Why is the world so fucked and why am I too?
July 13, 2020 - 10:39:04 UTC
Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Suicide, Cursing, Gore, LGBT, Transphobia, Psychopathy
Description: Current situation, LGBT and Trans issues, My gender identity, Empathy and personal flaws
I wrote this post over a span of days.
And this post contains some very personal and conflicting things that I simply beg you to not judge quickly or too harsh.
I'm sorry if this post is very incoherent. I tried fixing it as much as I can. It turned out to be one of the longest, if not the longest posts I've done.
Please keep my mental state and who I am in mind when reading.
It has been over a month since my last post.
A lot has happend, a lot of things stayed the same, I'll give a summary of things.
I think around on the... 5th?(I can be totally be mixing up dates here) I reached my limit again and out of desperation, tried to actually stab myself and slice my arms open with a nail file.
Are you aware how not made nail files are to slice? But I can barely remember what went into my head. I was in such a weird state of having attacks of PTSD and just feeling so hopeless and endless.
Continue reading Why is the world so fucked and why am I too?
June 02, 2020 - 14:00:21 UTC
Trigger Warnings: Don't know
I said last post that it will probably be my last one. I guess I was wrong about that.
Nothing has changed. I'm fighting with wanting to kill myself. My SO and our roommate try to just watch me constantly. I fail to see the reason. But that's just how it is. At the end, I'll just loose my mind, we'll fight and see what happens.
Anyways. I wanted to write some thoughts down in some...sorted way.
So I thought why not do it here.
I don't know if you saw my recent twitter posts but....
I haven't talked to either of them for days now. They constantly talk to me. I just don't respond.
I just don't....feel it anymore. I always hated talking IRL. But now I just feel...too exhausted... done.. painful to even respond to them.
As I said, I tried reaching out to people. And 2 responded. I actually also did end up talking a bit more with them. But then it did just kinda.. die down.
And I understand that.
I simply don't feel like bothering them.
And I really hope I didn't end up bothering Pas. They …
Continue reading No title
Thank you hanneskun and paxiti - I want to die - Call for help - Fighting with friends
May 30, 2020 - 21:14:47 UTC
Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Suicide just alot of things I really dont know.
Description: I don't know what to say to this
Fuck fuck fufxlk cfuck fuck fuick
As probably no one really cares at the end, the last few days have been just more and more terrible.
I want to kill myself. I want to die. Please end this. Please just put it to an end I don't want to take this anymore I can't take it anymore.
I just dont know what to say anymore.
I feel pathetic. I feel pathetic about talking about me wanting to commit suicide.
Listen. I have tried many times in the past. And currently I just want to do it so badly again. But I can't. My SO and my Roommate literally don't leave me alone for a single minute anymore the last few days.
And I m just so...tired and weak and exhausted....
I..want to talk about some things about the last few days.
First. I wanted to talk about something positive for once. Yesterday when I felt just absolutely hopeless, trapped and done, I reached out to a lot of people. The night before I already talked with a lot of people I know.
After a …
Continue reading Thank you hanneskun and paxiti - I want to die - Call for help - Fighting with friends
Why are others happy but not me? - It just makes me want to kill myself.
May 28, 2020 - 17:05:49 UTC
Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Suicide, Graphic description of violence
Description: Some talk about suicide and feelings about "normal" people. Beware, it gets ugly.
As I said in my last post already, things have been going downhill a lot more recently. Not that it wasn't bad before but I feel like I'm reaching new heights nowadays.
As I said in my last post. This feeling of identity loss is now just...stuck with me. I think about it constantly.
The last few days felt especially painful...
Do you know that feeling of jealousy cause someone else has something and you don't?
I'm sure nearly everyone knows that feeling. But what usually makes that feeling worse? Realization that whatever you're jealous of you'll never achieve yourself. You can't have it or get to it. Which then even makes it worse if you once maybe had something like that but you lost it somehow.
I've been feeling very jealous recently.
Towards my friends(Why am I even saying that.. I don't know who my friends are anymore and if I even have more than 1 or 2...) and my SO. Or random people.
I've been angry and just generally very upset about the fact that they can... be normal.
Live their life. Not worry about things like mine constantly.
Like... My SO takes extremely …
Continue reading Why are others happy but not me? - It just makes me want to kill myself.
My Past, Feelings about this blog & identity issues/self worth.
May 25, 2020 - 04:50:23 UTC
Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Suicide, Cursing,
Description: Feelings about self worth. Identity, some "Q&A" and.. I don't know. Feelings about my life and this blog? Please let me know if i missed any trigger warnings.
Finding anything to start this post with was pretty difficult.
I thought about starting it with "Normally I try make my posts somehow structured, so you have blocks of related topics one by one, separated by these <hr> (horizontal lines). But I think this one will not be fully or even partially like that"
But I felt like that's just a weird way to start something off.... It's pretty uninteresting and makes the person reading not even want to read further. Boo, just get it on already.
Sigh. I don't know.
As I mentioned in my first 2 posts, I started this blog kind out of a slump.
I was and am still feeling that my life is just heading downwards for years now. And I felt like that, since years, I haven't done anything meaningful. My life feels utterly pointless. I'm alive cause my SO and some other people want me to be alive. That's about it. There is no goal... no aim.. no motivation to do anything..achieve anything... It's just existence without reason. I believe some people can relate to this. But I think most people only have these feelings for shorter periods of time.…
Continue reading My Past, Feelings about this blog & identity issues/self worth.
Men suck, Feminism & LGBT vs Religion
May 22, 2020 - 22:16:00 UTC
Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Misandry, Homophobia, Politics, Religion
Description: My thoughts about men and issues with them. Also some rambling about Feminism, Religion and LGBT things. Also some sexuality stuff.
After writing this, I realized I went really off track on some points and didn't conclude as I wanted. But I don't want to rewrite everything/parts. So I'll just keep it.
I thought about what would fit as an headline for this topic.
And I honestly think I found a pretty good one.
I really hope that reading the title of this post made you angry.
"Men suck". What? That's a pretty bold generalization. What a stupid SJW snowflake opinion.
I chose this title cause I have issues with men and I see many people that also went trough abuse/rape or other similar issues with men who start to then resent and generalize all men as "pigs, rapists and white cis male supremacists".
Let me clear something right at the start: I agree but I also disagree.
I think in general, how our world works, men have the most power. Abuse it the most. And statistics show that men are the most criminal. Also the most people that perform rape or abuse are male identified.
But also... Women do the same.
There are female criminals. Female rapists and abuser. They might be less, yeah. …
Continue reading Men suck, Feminism & LGBT vs Religion
Nights - Suicide
May 22, 2020 - 00:00:18 UTC
Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Gore, Suicide
Description: Some talk about my current usual nights, my feelings about suicide and some issues with my family.
Aren't nights weird? They used to be my favorite time of every day.
When it's dark outside, everything is silent, it feels kind of like a different world.
I used to really like that. Or rather, appreciate it. Loud sounds are something I can handle really badly. Scares me to hell. It's not loud at all where we live now. But still. Nights are special.
But not anymore...
Nowadays nights have turned into living hell. I'm not entirely sure why.
I get attacks/breakdowns that are the worst I've ever had, every single night really.
I'm used to hearing voices, seeing weird things happen. Seeing weird creatures/shadows.(Man, Schizophrenia is really hard to explain...)
I'm also used to PTSD attacks giving me flashbacks to scenarios and situations.
I'm as used to to these tings as you can be. I guess.
But these nights are different.
Around 3am ish(our time) it mostly starts. Till then my mind and mental status goes from "shit" to "What the absolute fucking living hell".
And then it hits.
You know. Normally I hear sounds. I hear and see doors moving. Things move around. All that stuff.
But with these attacks...breakdowns.. I …
Continue reading Nights - Suicide
May 20, 2020 - 12:43:05 UTC
Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse,
Description: A slight current view on my mental health from my own perspective. Also some rambling about relationships and the feeling of being understood.
I guess I'll write my first real post about something?
I've been thinking about doing this a lot lately. Simply cause my (C)PTSD/Schizophrenia and other mental stuff make me feel a lot like I'm just stuck in a swamp.
A feeling of not being able to get out of it, being stuck in a mental hell, with no motivation to do anything. My thoughts tend to just go in the direction of "I really don't want to live anymore, this will get worse over time, the older I get the worse it will be. I tried therapy and other things. Nothing will ever really help anyways."
If you're stuck with that line/way of thinking, I feel like you're not going to get out of it, ever. No matter how great my SO is to me, no matter how many times friends tell me my mind isn't right, and to just please keep on trying. It doesn't work.
It's a weird feeling of not being understood by anyone.
I mean, yes I've read a lot of stories about people, other woman especially, who went trough rape/abuse in their childhood/teens. But I feel like the stories never... "connect". I …
Continue reading Mental health
May 19, 2020 - 22:17:18 UTC
Trigger Warnings: -
Description: My first post about what I think I should do with this website.
I'm currently thinking about just making this a "private" blog. Something where I can just write down thoughts or things that happen.
Not entirely sure what this would do tbh.
I feel at the end it would probably be insanely pointless. Also I wouldn't like people that know me IRL like my SO to read it. I feel like that limits or scares me. What if I want to share something I wouldn't want them to know or I assume they would misunderstand. Or what if I simply don't want them to change based on what I write here.
I don't know.
I really don't
Continue reading Don't know
- •30, Sat - Thank you hanneskun and paxiti - I want to die - Call for help - Fighting with friends
- •28, Thu - Why are others happy but not me? - It just makes me want to kill myself.
- •25, Mon - My Past, Feelings about this blog & identity issues/self worth.
- •22, Fri - Men suck, Feminism & LGBT vs Religion
- •22, Fri - Nights - Suicide
- •20, Wed - Mental health
- •19, Tue - Don't know